Keep Talking

Last time, I talked a little about what Robert and I had gone through in 2007. Today, I wanted to give some more details and really tell the story. I learned a huge lesson during that time that I hope will help someone else who might be struggling.



In 2006 we asked our kids what they wanted for Christmas. Destini's reply was, "another brother or sister". At this request, I just smiled and said, "Well, you are gonna have to ask God for that one." Zachary was already 3 and we had been trying for 2 years to give him a little brother. We had never had trouble getting pregnant before but this time was different. The kids began to pray and by January 2007, I found out I was pregnant. It just happened to be on Kaitlyn's birthday that I had the positive pregnancy test. We found out the baby was due to arrive on Isabella's birthday in October.



Wow! How wonderful was that? Destini's prayer was answered, Kait and Bella both had birthday surprises, and I was sure this was a little brother for Zachary. It seemed to be perfect. We were so excited! We shared the news with everyone. Then very early one morning in late February, I woke up feeling like I had food poisoning. I didn't of course. Within 2 hours I realized I had lost the baby. I was devastated. This couldn't be happening! This baby was an answer to prayer. It couldn't really be dead! I was going to go to the doctor and they were going to say everything was fine. It wasn't. The kids cried. Robert and I cried. There was so much sadness and grief. I was speechless.



Two months later we had a repeat. It was like being trapped on a broken record. You are spinning out of control and the same few notes are being played over and over. Once again, I could not speak. I was actually so upset with God that I couldn't talk to Him. I didn't think I could tell Him that I felt abandoned. After all, He is God. He is holy and righteous. You can't talk to the King just any old way.



My silence was putting a barrier between us. It really was a lie from the enemy to think that I couldn't talk to God about how I was feeling. God already knew my thoughts. He knew what I was feeling. It was ridiculous to think that by not actually speaking to Him about it, I could hide it from Him. I was just in so much pain. I couldn't seem to make myself have a conversation with God. So, there was more silence.

James 5:11 says that "the Lord is full of compassion and mercy". This is so true. He never gave up on me. He quietly and compassionately moved me toward Him. One day, I came across the scripture in 1 Kings 19 that tells about Elijah running from Jezebel. I had read this scripture before. This time it had a different meaning. I was so moved by the fact that the Lord fed Elijah and told him to rest, even though He knew Elijah was coming to complain. God wasn't angry with Elijah. He was moved with compassion. In verse 7 He tells Elijah to "get up and eat, for the journey is to long for you". I realized then that I had to talk to God. I had to run to the mountain of the Lord as Elijah had done. I had to give everything over to Him, even the ugly stuff.

Thanksgiving of that same year, we found out we were expecting again. I was very nervous but things seemed to be going well this time. Then one morning in late December, it started again. I awoke very early feeling as though I had food poisoning. This time, I new what to do. I cried out to God! It just happened to be a Sunday. So, I got myself dressed and fled to the house of God. I was a mess! I was sure I was having another miscarriage. It was almost unbearable. This time, I was not going to stop talking to God.

My doctor appointment the following Monday revealed a heart beat. I was blown away! The doctor discovered that the baby was fine. There was some trouble with the placenta that later corrected itself. Nathaniel was born that following July.

Maybe you are walking through a difficult time now. Do not allow the enemy to block your communication with God. The Lord can handle anything you have to say. If your attitude is wrong, He will lovingly correct you. Don't be afraid to share with Him how you feel. He already knows anyway. You might as well confess it to Him. Whatever happens, just keep talking.