My Mother's Day Tribute

I'm a glass half full kind of gal.  I try to find the positive in any situation I am in.  I also really love to laugh!  However, I have my moments just like every other person on the planet. This past Mother's Day, I was having one of those moments.  In fact, several people noticed I was having a moment and asked if I was ok.  Of course I responded that I was alright.  ("Alright" in the language of Marcia means that I'm NOT doing so great but I really DON'T want to talk about it.) Anyway, three days after Mother's Day and I am finally up to writing about my mom.  

My mom was the best mom on the planet.  She was the mom that always baked goodies for the parties at school.  She was at all of my plays, concerts, awards ceremonies, etc.  She never missed the opportunity to tell me she loved me or kiss me goodnight.  She always tried to put her family before herself.  She even opened up our home every year to a rowdy bunch of teenagers for our annual roman candle fireworks war.  She was strong and elegant; two qualities that you rarely see together.  She was wonderful and I was truly blessed to have called her momma.

It's hard when you lose someone that you love.  Grief can hit at anytime.  Even years after the loss.  My Mother's Day began to be bittersweet in 2007.  My Mom was losing her long battle with Alzheimer's and I had just gone through 2 miscarriages.  Ever since then, Mother's Day has always been a little sad for me.  I do want to say that I love my 5 beautiful children that I get to see on a daily basis. And I am so proud and thankful to be their mom.  However, I miss those two little blessings who I lost before they were ever held.  It's hard to explain how you can love and miss someone so much even though you have never actually met them.  Here it is, 7 years later and I still miss them.  Like I said, grief can hit at anytime, even years later.

I'm not sure why this year was so very hard.  Maybe it was the fact that 2014 has brought a lot of changes.  We moved into our new house Jan 1st of this year and once again I am in the middle of unpacking.  The move is definitely a blessing.  We are so excited to finally be able to purchase a house again and stop paying rent on something that would never be ours.  But with the packing and unpacking comes that small box that has moved with us since we left GA.  The small box that holds the sympathy cards, the positive pregnancy tests, and the unworn outfits.  The one tangible thing I have that proves I have two beautiful babies in Heaven.  So once again I begin to deal with the grief and I want to pick up the phone and call my mom because somehow she always knew what to say to make things better.  Then there's more pain as I realize for the one millionth time this year that I can't do that either.  So as I sat at church this past Sunday and watched everyone honor their moms, I just couldn't hold back the tears.  

In these past few months of 2014, I've grieved a lot.  For an optimist, grief and pain can be scary.  We like to live in the world of rainbows, flowers, and cotton candy kisses.  We avoid pain and discomfort at all cost.  Honestly, I think that there are a large amount of Christians out there who live in that world too.  Somehow, pain is seen as a device of the enemy used to convince us that God is not a kind and loving God.  Honestly, I have to admit that I have viewed pain that way.  I mean after all, grief is very painful and God is love so sometimes I have a difficult time believing that grief is ok.  But life is full of joy and sorrow.  Ecclesiastes chapter 3 tells us there is a time and season for everything.  Verse 4 of that chapter says there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance".  So my view on the whole pain and grief issue has begun to change.  Now please do not hear me say that I am turning into a pessimist. If you are reading this and thinking that I am saying we should wallow in self pity and despair, then you are totally missing the point and should read this whole post over again. ;)  I have however come to the conclusion that there are seasons of mourning and instead of trying to run from it or pretend that we don't feel the way we do, we should acknowledge it and even embrace it so we can actually get through it.  

I mean honestly, Jesus himself cried. (check out John 11: 33-36) Not only did he cry but when He saw everyone else grieving over Lazarus, the scriptures tell us that "He was deeply moved in spirit".  You see grief gives us a different perspective on things.  If we let it, grief will teach us how to be compassionate towards others.  So if you are walking through that painful season of grief, embrace it.  You don't have to pretend it is ok or that you aren't hurting.  Embrace the intimacy that comes through knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you in your season of joy as well as your season of pain.  And He not only loves you but He is deeply moved by your broken fragile state.  He'll hold you through it, cry with you through it, and lift you up when you feel like you don't have the strength.

So here I am walking through this season of grief in my life.  Grieving over the death of loved ones, unfulfilled dreams, broken relationships, emotional scars, you name it, and I've probably encountered it this year.  But I will no longer pretend I'm ok.  I will no longer wear the fake smile.  I will no longer believe that life is always rainbows, flowers, and cotton candy kisses.  No, I will no longer live in a fantasy world.  I am choosing to step into reality.  I am choosing to stand through the pain.  I am choosing to reach my arms out to a loving Daddy who won't back away from the pain but will rush to me.  And as Divine kisses mingle with salty tears and warm whispers of His unrelenting love wash over me, I find peace and comfort even in this place of pain.