HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE

 

To my beautiful Kaitlyn Marie,

I can’t  believe that you are an adult and ready to go off into the world.  I’m so proud of you!  As you begin this new adventure in your life, there are some things I want you to know.

#1 You are the definition of TRUE BEAUTY 
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  From the moment I saw you, all I could say was “she’s so beautiful”. 

The older you get, the more beautiful  you become.  I mean of course you are gorgeous with your petite frame, curly brown hair, and blue/green eyes that make the colors of the ocean envious.  But it's more than just physical beauty that I’m talking about.  It's your compassion for others.  You have such a huge heart.  You pour all that you have into people and relationships.  You are often misunderstood for that.  So many people don’t get you. That's because you are special and unique.  You are not a carbon copy of anyone else. You are a masterpiece, a one of a kind original.  So don’t for one second change who you are because someone doesn’t understand how to appreciate you.  In stead, fall into the arms of the one who knows every little detail of your life.  Run to the one who has all the answers and even knows the questions that YOU aren’t  even sure how to put into words. He loves you! He never leaves you! He doesn’t judge you! He never misunderstands you!  He looks at you and says, “ you are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7) He sees your true beauty, the depths of your soul.

#2 You can do anything
 Most people look at you and because of your petite frame, they underestimate you.  They have no idea how strong you really are.  Sometimes I think that you don’t even realize how strong you really are.  I have watched you walk through things that would crush most people.  But you always make it through and somehow you manage to keep that gorgeous smile on your face.  You inspire me!  Honestly, there are times when I have just wanted to scream out loud, “Look what she’s done!  Look how she made it through!  Take notice world, she’s an overcomer!”  But I just keep quiet because it isn’t my story to tell.  One day when your ready though, you’ll be the one shouting it.  You’ll be the one roaring it out like a lion and causing the enemy to tremble.  “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;” (Revelation 12:11)  What an awesome testimony you have!

#3 I’m proud of you
I am always going to be your biggest fan.  I am always going to be here for you no matter what.  I am so proud of this amazing, fierce, and incredible woman you have become. So go out there and change the world!  Dive head first into this wonderful life.  Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. And always remember that no matter where you are or what you're doing, you are always in my thoughts and prayers.  I'll always be your mom and I'll always be here whenever you need me. <3 br="" nbsp="">                                                

                                                                                                                                        Love forever,
                                                                                                                                               Mom

My Mother's Day Tribute

I'm a glass half full kind of gal.  I try to find the positive in any situation I am in.  I also really love to laugh!  However, I have my moments just like every other person on the planet. This past Mother's Day, I was having one of those moments.  In fact, several people noticed I was having a moment and asked if I was ok.  Of course I responded that I was alright.  ("Alright" in the language of Marcia means that I'm NOT doing so great but I really DON'T want to talk about it.) Anyway, three days after Mother's Day and I am finally up to writing about my mom.  

My mom was the best mom on the planet.  She was the mom that always baked goodies for the parties at school.  She was at all of my plays, concerts, awards ceremonies, etc.  She never missed the opportunity to tell me she loved me or kiss me goodnight.  She always tried to put her family before herself.  She even opened up our home every year to a rowdy bunch of teenagers for our annual roman candle fireworks war.  She was strong and elegant; two qualities that you rarely see together.  She was wonderful and I was truly blessed to have called her momma.

It's hard when you lose someone that you love.  Grief can hit at anytime.  Even years after the loss.  My Mother's Day began to be bittersweet in 2007.  My Mom was losing her long battle with Alzheimer's and I had just gone through 2 miscarriages.  Ever since then, Mother's Day has always been a little sad for me.  I do want to say that I love my 5 beautiful children that I get to see on a daily basis. And I am so proud and thankful to be their mom.  However, I miss those two little blessings who I lost before they were ever held.  It's hard to explain how you can love and miss someone so much even though you have never actually met them.  Here it is, 7 years later and I still miss them.  Like I said, grief can hit at anytime, even years later.

I'm not sure why this year was so very hard.  Maybe it was the fact that 2014 has brought a lot of changes.  We moved into our new house Jan 1st of this year and once again I am in the middle of unpacking.  The move is definitely a blessing.  We are so excited to finally be able to purchase a house again and stop paying rent on something that would never be ours.  But with the packing and unpacking comes that small box that has moved with us since we left GA.  The small box that holds the sympathy cards, the positive pregnancy tests, and the unworn outfits.  The one tangible thing I have that proves I have two beautiful babies in Heaven.  So once again I begin to deal with the grief and I want to pick up the phone and call my mom because somehow she always knew what to say to make things better.  Then there's more pain as I realize for the one millionth time this year that I can't do that either.  So as I sat at church this past Sunday and watched everyone honor their moms, I just couldn't hold back the tears.  

In these past few months of 2014, I've grieved a lot.  For an optimist, grief and pain can be scary.  We like to live in the world of rainbows, flowers, and cotton candy kisses.  We avoid pain and discomfort at all cost.  Honestly, I think that there are a large amount of Christians out there who live in that world too.  Somehow, pain is seen as a device of the enemy used to convince us that God is not a kind and loving God.  Honestly, I have to admit that I have viewed pain that way.  I mean after all, grief is very painful and God is love so sometimes I have a difficult time believing that grief is ok.  But life is full of joy and sorrow.  Ecclesiastes chapter 3 tells us there is a time and season for everything.  Verse 4 of that chapter says there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance".  So my view on the whole pain and grief issue has begun to change.  Now please do not hear me say that I am turning into a pessimist. If you are reading this and thinking that I am saying we should wallow in self pity and despair, then you are totally missing the point and should read this whole post over again. ;)  I have however come to the conclusion that there are seasons of mourning and instead of trying to run from it or pretend that we don't feel the way we do, we should acknowledge it and even embrace it so we can actually get through it.  

I mean honestly, Jesus himself cried. (check out John 11: 33-36) Not only did he cry but when He saw everyone else grieving over Lazarus, the scriptures tell us that "He was deeply moved in spirit".  You see grief gives us a different perspective on things.  If we let it, grief will teach us how to be compassionate towards others.  So if you are walking through that painful season of grief, embrace it.  You don't have to pretend it is ok or that you aren't hurting.  Embrace the intimacy that comes through knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you in your season of joy as well as your season of pain.  And He not only loves you but He is deeply moved by your broken fragile state.  He'll hold you through it, cry with you through it, and lift you up when you feel like you don't have the strength.

So here I am walking through this season of grief in my life.  Grieving over the death of loved ones, unfulfilled dreams, broken relationships, emotional scars, you name it, and I've probably encountered it this year.  But I will no longer pretend I'm ok.  I will no longer wear the fake smile.  I will no longer believe that life is always rainbows, flowers, and cotton candy kisses.  No, I will no longer live in a fantasy world.  I am choosing to step into reality.  I am choosing to stand through the pain.  I am choosing to reach my arms out to a loving Daddy who won't back away from the pain but will rush to me.  And as Divine kisses mingle with salty tears and warm whispers of His unrelenting love wash over me, I find peace and comfort even in this place of pain.
 

God is Love

Hello friends and family!

Just realized that I haven't posted any real updates in a long time.  Things had just gotten so crazy around here that I went into survival mode.  That usually means that I block everything out except making it through the day.  So, let me give you a quick update.  Nathaniel finally had his stitches and catheter out.  long story short, things did not go so well.  He was back in the hospital twice and finally had to have another catheter put in.  However, the Lord is always faithful!  Nathaniel has been able to go potty on his own for about 3 weeks now.  He is catheter free, doing great, and we don't have to go back to the urologist until August!  Like I just said, God is ALWAYS faithful!

Now for a very quick update on Kaitlyn.  She is doing really good now.  After taking her to the emergency room in Lubbock, we were finally able to find out what was going on.  The doctor there felt pretty confident that she had a ruptured ovarian cyst.  She was still pretty sore for a few days, but by the next week she was fine.  So thankful we got some answers.

Finally, I wanted to share something with you that the Lord spoke to me last week.  Hopefully, it will encourage you and bless you.  Like I was saying earlier in this post, when I am really stressed I go into survival mode.  Other things usually get pushed to the side while I just focus on the main crisis at hand.  I know I need to work at not doing that but it is something I still struggle with.  Anyway, the Lord of course knows how my brain works and He normally waits until a crisis is over before He talks to me about it.  So, last week I had put Nathaniel down for a very much needed nap.  I normally lay down with him and then get up when he falls asleep.  I was just about to get up and finish some chores around the house, when I noticed how peaceful he looked.  Sometimes I just love to watch him sleep.  I just sat there a moment completely caught up in his sweet little face.  I just started thanking the Lord that Nathaniel was finally home and healthy.  Then the memory of the past few months flooded over me again.  I was back at the hospital walking through the doors of the recovery room.  I could hear his screams for his mama.  I'm walking as fast as I can to his bed.  The nurses don't need to tell me which bed he is in.  I know my child's cries and he is being really loud.  I crawl in the bed with him, hold him, and start to sing.  He looks up at me with those beautiful blue-green eyes and says, "Mama, I love you!"  In that moment, there is nothing I wouldn't do for this kid. Nothing!

I was talking to the Lord about this and telling Him that I was desperate for Him the way Nathaniel was for me.  I was telling Him that I loved Him and needed Him.  He spoke to me and said, "Marcia, don't you know I love you as much as you love Nathaniel?  Except multiply that times a million.  And when you look at me with those beautiful blue eyes so full of love and desperation, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."  Let me just say that I was a weeping blubbering mess!  The Lord took all the love I was trying to pour out on Him and dumped it on me.

Do you get what I am trying to say?  Do you understand that the love you have for your closest friend, parents, grandparents, husband, wife, children, or whoever it is that totally gets you, can't even compare to the love God has for you?  I really believe that most Christians have no difficulty admitting their love and even desperation for the Lord.  It is easy for us to see our faults and flaws and admit that we don't deserve to be loved by God.  Every single day, we face people who constantly point out our flaws.  We hear; your too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, not smart enough, a know it all, too mean, too nice, and the list goes on.  With all the labels and all the reminders of what we are and what we aren't, it is so easy to reject God's love when He tries to give it to us.  But when we start to understand how God really feels about us then it is easy for us to pour love into other peoples lives.  So, in case you haven't heard it today, let me be the first to tell you.  You are BEAUTIFUL!  You are a creation of the most high God.  Your life has value!  You are loved!  You are loved!  Now let Him whisper to your heart how much He loves you!  And this time, when He says it, believe it. :) 

Update on Nathaniel & Kait

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update on the kids. Nathaniel was suppose to go to the doctor tomorrow to have the stitches , etc. taken off. However, due to the sudden snow that has hit Carlsbad and Lubbock, I decided to reschedule. He will be going in Wednesday instead. Hopefully the weather will be better by then.

Kaitlyn, as many of you know, was in the emergency room for 6 hrs on Sunday. She had a sudden onset of abdominal pain. The pain was only on her left side and though it is better, it hasn't completely gone away. The doctors aren't sure what caused it. All the tests they ran came back normal. There is a possibility that they will run several of the tests over and compare them to each other to see if they can figure out what is going on.

So basically we are still waiting to find out what is going on with both of them. Will update whenever we know what is happening. Thanks for your prayers.

Water Works

Wow has it ever been one of those weeks! I think I have literally cried a river! As most of you probably know, I tend to cry alot anyway. I cry when I am happy or sad. Sometimes I cry just for no reason. This past week I cried when Thanny came out of surgery and looked up at me with those big blue/green eyes and said, "Mama! I Love you!" I mean seriously, who wouldn't cry after that? This precious little 3 year old calling out to his mama even though he is in pain, just to tell me he loves me. Wow! I have also cried with him this week when he has been hurting really bad. Understandably he has had several really hard days. Yesterday was one of them. Though he has stood up and even walked a little, he prefers to be carried. So, I cry some more because my heart breaks a little everytime he reaches his hands up for me to carry him somewhere.

I cried during Thanksgiving over family drama. I hate when people totally misunderstand me and become offended by stuff that was not meant to be offensive. I like for people to get along and feel loved. I absolutely hate family drama! I also seriously missed my daddy and all my family back in GA. What can I say? I have always been a daddy's girl. This year being away from him was very difficult. He will be turning 80 in a few months and I feel like our time together here on earth is quickly slipping away. Miss my Daddy!

Then there was an issue with one of our other children. This particular kid keeps saying things like, "it's no big deal." "I'm fine!" and, "can't you just leave me alone?" All I see though is pain. So, I fall on my face before God and pray for this child who is in pain and cry some more. God heal my kids. Take away the physical and emotional pain that they are dealing with. You love them even more than I do. So, I know that this gets Your heart too. Let them know they are not ever alone, even when they think that is what they want.

After all the crying and the drama, I was able to go to women's meeting yesterday at church. So thankful that my mother-in-law was able to come and stay with us this week and help out with the kids. She watched Nathaniel for about 2 hours so I could go to the meeting. Of course, I practically bawl through half of it. Then I was told by someone that I was a good parent and that the Lord loved me and my family. Wonder how they knew I needed to hear that? Yep, you guessed it, more water works.

Then my husband walks in last night with a small gift bag. He sets it in my lap and tells me that he was thinking about me today. Can I just say that I have the best husband ever! He consistantly reminds me that I am loved. It is more than just words though. He models God's love to me. Even on my worst days, when I have cried off all my makeup, my eyes are blood shot, and my nose looks like rudolph, this wonderful man can still make me feel beautiful and special. What was in the bag you ask; a bottle of perfume. :) And he had actually paid attention one day when I was rambling about how I prefer the fruity scents as opposed to the sweet flowery ones. I love this man so much! And of course, I cried again. :0)

Surgery Begins

This is the 6th surgery that my precious little Thanny boy has had in his short 3 years of life. Now he is at the age where he knows what is going to happen. He was very nervous when he woke up this morning and cried on and off on our way to the hospital. He refused to put his hospital gown on. So I decided the best move was to wait until he had take. His "happy juice" before we really tried to attempt that. Even after he had it, he was still wimpering. But we did manage to get him dressed for surgery before they wheeled him off. Times like these I wish I could go through the surgery for him. I wish it worked that way. I love my kids so much. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep them safe or from pain if it were in my power. My heart was breaking a little as they rolled him away. I was suddenly reminded of how our Heavenly Father feels about us. I say I would give everything for my kids. He actually has given everything for them. He loves us so much that He gave up His own life and all the earthly things that should have been given to a King. I am so thankful that He did.

Getting ready for Surgery

Well it has been a while since I have really posted. Wow I keep saying that. Lol. Anyway, we are at the hotel in Lubbock, TX getting ready for Nathaniel's surgery in the morning. Robert and I are praying and believing that this will be Thanny's last surgery on his bottom. We have to be at the hospital in the morning at 8:30 for check in. His surgery begins at 9:30 and is suppose to last for about 2 hrs. Will update throughout the day tomorrow. Thanks for your prayers.