The time is quickly approaching for Nathaniel to start his bombardment of doctors and hospital visits. In fact, we go for our first appointment with his new urologist on Tuesday of next week. I have been trying to prepare myself and the kids for all of this again. I've been asking the Lord for strength and peace. I've thought alot about all that we have been through and to be honest was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed at the idea of starting all this again. God is awesome though! He always knows what I am thinking and feeling. So, today, he gave me 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to think about.
"16. Be cheerful no matter what; 17. pray all the time; 18. thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live." (from the Message)
Now, I have to tell you that at first that didn't bring me a whole lot of comfort. I mean really, am I suppose to thank God that my child was born with birth defects? Somehow that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do have a ton of things to be thankful for. Things that happened because we had a medically fragile child. Bear with me a minute while I pour out my heart to you. Just be patient and finish this article and try to understand what I am saying.
I am NOT saying that I am jumping up and down and praising God that Nathaniel has suffered. Believe me, if I could have jumped on the operating table in place of Nathaniel all those times, I would have. If you haven't had a child go through surgery then you don't really understand the helplessness and pain that the parent feels for their child. No, I am definitely not thanking Him for the pain, but I am thanking Him in SPITE of it.
I am thanking God that He has given me peace and patience that I never had before. I am thankful that we didn't listen to the doctors who recommended we terminate the pregnancy. Many may say this is selfish (and it has been said) to bring a child into this world knowing that they would have so much difficulty. These people don't know our little gift from God. That is what Nathaniel's name means by the way, and he is a true gift from God. This world is a better place because he is in it.
I am thankful that through all of the pain and suffering, Nathaniel is a happy and compassionate child. He is only two, but if someone in this house cries, he will run over and fling his little arms around them and give them a big hug and kiss. I don't know alot of 2 year olds who act like that. I am thankful that all the pain we all have been through has turned us into different people. The memory of the hardship doesn't go away. It stays, but out of it grows something beautiful. I remember, the pain of having Nathaniel rushed off to the NICU at Scottish Rite in Atlanta, on the day he was born. I remember how hard it was for me to have to stay in the hospital in Macon when I hadn't even got to hold him yet. I remember how hard it was those six weeks he was in the NICU. The pain I felt having to leave him there and go back home every time we visited. I remember how painful it was for him to endure NG tubes, colostomy bags, catheters, packing and unpacking open wounds, and the 1st degree burns that came with the colostomy reversal. I remember how horrible I felt about having to hold him down, while he screamed, and dilate his rectum.
All those memories are still there, still vivid in my mind. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. Then I wake up to see this beautiful, blond headed, blue eyed little boy who is grinning from ear to ear. "Hi Momma!", he says. Then there comes those big hugs and kisses that he is so famous for. I get up and start breakfast. He wants eds (eggs) or boo bear affles (blueberry waffles). Man, is this the same child who had a feeding tube for 5 months? He sure can pack away the food now. I begin to feel overwhelmed again. This time it isn't because of the up coming surgeries. It is because I realize that God has trusted me with something so precious! I am totally amazed and humbled.
What have I gotten from all the pain? I have learned that the most beautiful, best smelling roses come from the bushes that are planted in good soil. Good soil is tilled and fertilized. Life's hardships are the tilling and fertilizing of our soil so God can grow something beautiful. While I don't believe that He is the one who causes the tragedies, He certainly does allow it. He takes the things that are meant to hurt us and break us down, and turns them into something beautiful. So watch out! Nathaniel Lopez is going to be one awesome man when he grows up! He is going to change the world! He is going to be full of compassion and mercy because of all he has been through! So I will thank you God! I will thank you for peace as we go through more surgeries; for the patience to deal with others who don't understand that special needs children are gifts; and for sweet sticky kisses from a face covered in syrup and boo bear affles.
What about you? Will you let life's disappointments overwhelm you? Or will you choose to look for the beauty that is ahead and thank God in spite of your pain?
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